We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
