omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
