You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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