Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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