I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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