My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
