I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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