just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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