This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
