TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
