I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
