That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
