bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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