I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We left the knife in your bed.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
