If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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