we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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