ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
