It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
