i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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