My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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