So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
