I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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