So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
