If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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