Fine. I'll sleep in my office
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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