just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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