You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
