my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
