I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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