wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
