She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
