I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
