On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
