I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
