SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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