He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
