So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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