he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
NoShamevember. You game?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
