i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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