I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
