who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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