How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
