Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
