Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
