I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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