Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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