I wish I could teleport
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
