New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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