I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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