Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
