I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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