Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
