don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
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I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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