I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
