I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
