if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
