I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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