K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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